Chris is
30
years old today!
Happy birthday!!!
What I Want My Kids to Know About Sex
38 minutes ago
Report on My Goals Progress
I'm still plugging away at my goals. Remember the billion and one 90 goals I set out to achieve? Well, I'm making slow but sure progress. I also added a few (at the very end). But feel free to chastise me for not getting more of these done, because seriously? Some of them shouldn't be this hard to accomplish! I think my priorities have been just a smidge out of whack, judging by the categories in which I've made the most progress.
The List:
(Italicized items are in progress.Struck-through items are completed.)
Spiritual/Charity:
1. * Have scripture reading & meditation, and prayer time every day for 30 consecutive days. (2 times) [1/2] Started 2009.07.13
2. Seek out families to bring a meal to. (4 times) [0/4]
3. Lead our family in sending an evangelistic care package to a man or woman serving in the U.S. Armed Forces.
4. * Read through the entire Bible at least once. Started 2009.05.18
5. Clean the trash out of the ditches from our house to the end of the gravel road.
6. * Share the gospel with 30 people (can use gospel tracks). [1/30]
7. Send 10 cards of encouragement in the mail. [1/10]
8. Sponsor a Compassion child.
9. * Read a chapter in Proverbs to the children each day for 4 weeks. (2 times) [0/2] Started 2009.07.20
10. Unplug (no TV, computer, or radio) for 2 days. (4 times) [0/4]
11. Walk/run a race for a good cause.
12. * No complaining AT ALL for 3 consecutive days. (2 times) [0/2]
Marriage:
13. Watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy with Chris (Why is this one in “marriage”? Because if I can suffer through this, then we know that our marriage can withstand ANYTHING! Haha!).
14. Have 10 dates with Chris (can include “home” dates…as long as they are kid-free and fun/romantic). [1/10]
15. * Make Chris’s lunch every day for 4 weeks straight.
16. * Establish regular Bible study and prayer time as a couple.
17. Wash Chris’s feet in an act of love.
18. * No nagging for 7 consecutive days (doesn't count to do this one during a week when he's working crazy hours).
Kids/Family:
19. Take a 5+ day vacation.
20. * Reinforce chores for 4 weeks straight. (2 times) [0/2] Started 2009.07.13
21. Take a mini-vacation. (2 times) [0/2]
22. Have 6 one-on-one dates per child. [0/18]
23. * Be 100% consistent in discipline for 7 days. (2 times) [0/2]
24. Have a “girls’ night” with Emmy after she’s turned three. (2 times) [0/2]
25. Go biking at The Lake with the family. (8 times) [0/8]
26. * Don’t raise my voice or show anger at all for 3 consecutive days. (2 times) [0/2]
27. Go camping as a family.
28. Start the boys on music lessons.
29. Enroll the boys in one extracurricular activity per season for one year. [2/4]
Relationships:
30. Get involved in a couple’s Bible study. April 2009
31. Get involved in a women’s Bible study.
32. Open my home to someone (friend or not) once per week for 4 consecutive weeks. (2 times) [1/2]
33. Have a shopping day with Mom – ALL DAY! – complete with breakfast, lunch, supper, and coffee. (2 times) [0/2]
34. Send an “update letter” to grandparents that we don’t see often, complete with pictures and kids’ creations. (10 times) [0/10]
Financial:
35. Build our Emergency Savings Fund.
36. Reduce unsecured debt by 25% using Dave Ramsey’s plan.
37. Get Disability Insurance for Chris.
38. Get better Life Insurance.
39. * Have bi-weekly financial meetings with Chris for 3 months straight.
40. Open a Health Savings Account for me and possibly the kids.
41. Don’t dine out for 1 month.
42. Don’t use the clothes dryer AT ALL for 14 consecutive days (read: use the clothes line. Thought I'd better throw that in there so I'm not tempted to accomplish this goal by letting the laundry pile up!). (2 times) [2/2]
Health/Wellness:
43. Lose the 52 pounds.
44. Run a 10K or more.
45. * Work out 30 minutes, 5 times a week, for one month straight. Started 2009.07.20
46. * No soda for 30 days. (2 times) [0/2]
47. * No sugar/carbs for 2 weeks. (2 times) [0/2]
48. Have a yearly physical exam. (2 times) [0/2]
49. * Take my multi-vitamin daily for 4 weeks. Started 2009.07.18
50. Learn how to make a GOOD homemade whole wheat bread.
51. Learn how to make a GOOD homemade pizza.
52. * Try “Whole Foods Only” for 30 days.
School:
53. Start teaching the boys either Latin or Spanish.
54. Make 30 new learning centers or learning books. [0/30]
55. Take 15 field trips. [1/15]
56. Find a History/Geography curriculum we like.
57. Teach Emmersyn how to read.
Homemaking:
58. * Stay on top of laundry for 1 week straight (Laundry washed the same day a full load is available, and folded & put away within 24 hours of being washed. Doesn’t include partial loads.) (4 times) [0/4] Started 2009.05.18
59. Organize my recipes. Completed 2009.04.13
60. * Do 30-day “make ahead” meals for 3 consecutive months.
61. Finish hanging wall décor.
62. Plant evergreen trees.
63. Try 5 new vegetables. [0/5]
64. Plant a garden. Completed 2009.05.03
65. * Make bed every day for a month. Started 2009.05.18
66. Make a detailed house cleaning schedule. Completed 2009.05.05
67. Plant 10 new bushes/perennials in our yard. [0/10]
68. Shampoo the carpet on the stairs.
69. * Have supper on the table by 5:30 p.m. for 10 consecutive days. (2 times) [0/2]
Intellectual Growth:
70. Read 10 Pulitzer Prize-winning novels. [0/10]
71. Re-read/study the Constitution.
72. Re-read/study the Declaration of Independence.
73. Read newspaper from front to back (excluding sports/comics). (5 times) [0/5]
Misc:
74. Finish each of the kids’ “first-year” scrapbooks. [0/4]
75. Start and finish Chris’s Marine Corps scrapbook.
76. Finish and legalize our wills.
77. Take household inventory for insurance purposes.
78. Sell or give away “the pile” of stuff in the basement.
79. Paint kitchen ceiling.
80. Get our honeymoon photos developed & put into an album.
81. Put the kids’ greeting cards into scrapbooks. [0/4]
82. * Back up important files/photos at least bi-monthly. [15/15] Installed Carbonite, which automatically backs up everything!
83. * Keep inside of van clean for 30 days.
Just for Fun:
84. Get my old blog put into “book format”.
85. Get this blog put into “book format” for the year 2008.
86. Dress up with the kids for trick-or-treating.
87. Practice shooting Chris’s pistol. (6 times) [0/6]
88. Go to Red Lobster with Chris.
89. Blog every day for 30 consecutive days.
90. Make my own custom blog background.
UPDATED TO ADD THESE GOALS:
91. Start seeing a chiropractor routinely.
92. Write 10 eHow articles. [0/10]
93. * Wake up at 6:00 a.m. for 21 days straight.
The List:
(Italicized items are in progress.
Spiritual/Charity:
1. * Have scripture reading & meditation, and prayer time every day for 30 consecutive days. (2 times) [1/2] Started 2009.07.13
2. Seek out families to bring a meal to. (4 times) [0/4]
3. Lead our family in sending an evangelistic care package to a man or woman serving in the U.S. Armed Forces.
4. * Read through the entire Bible at least once. Started 2009.05.18
5. Clean the trash out of the ditches from our house to the end of the gravel road.
6. * Share the gospel with 30 people (can use gospel tracks). [1/30]
7. Send 10 cards of encouragement in the mail. [1/10]
9. * Read a chapter in Proverbs to the children each day for 4 weeks. (2 times) [0/2] Started 2009.07.20
10. Unplug (no TV, computer, or radio) for 2 days. (4 times) [0/4]
11. Walk/run a race for a good cause.
12. * No complaining AT ALL for 3 consecutive days. (2 times) [0/2]
Marriage:
13. Watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy with Chris (Why is this one in “marriage”? Because if I can suffer through this, then we know that our marriage can withstand ANYTHING! Haha!).
14. Have 10 dates with Chris (can include “home” dates…as long as they are kid-free and fun/romantic). [1/10]
16. * Establish regular Bible study and prayer time as a couple.
17. Wash Chris’s feet in an act of love.
18. * No nagging for 7 consecutive days (doesn't count to do this one during a week when he's working crazy hours).
Kids/Family:
19. Take a 5+ day vacation.
20. * Reinforce chores for 4 weeks straight. (2 times) [0/2] Started 2009.07.13
21. Take a mini-vacation. (2 times) [0/2]
22. Have 6 one-on-one dates per child. [0/18]
23. * Be 100% consistent in discipline for 7 days. (2 times) [0/2]
24. Have a “girls’ night” with Emmy after she’s turned three. (2 times) [0/2]
25. Go biking at The Lake with the family. (8 times) [0/8]
26. * Don’t raise my voice or show anger at all for 3 consecutive days. (2 times) [0/2]
27. Go camping as a family.
28. Start the boys on music lessons.
29. Enroll the boys in one extracurricular activity per season for one year. [2/4]
Relationships:
31. Get involved in a women’s Bible study.
32. Open my home to someone (friend or not) once per week for 4 consecutive weeks. (2 times) [1/2]
33. Have a shopping day with Mom – ALL DAY! – complete with breakfast, lunch, supper, and coffee. (2 times) [0/2]
34. Send an “update letter” to grandparents that we don’t see often, complete with pictures and kids’ creations. (10 times) [0/10]
Financial:
35. Build our Emergency Savings Fund.
36. Reduce unsecured debt by 25% using Dave Ramsey’s plan.
37. Get Disability Insurance for Chris.
38. Get better Life Insurance.
39. * Have bi-weekly financial meetings with Chris for 3 months straight.
40. Open a Health Savings Account for me and possibly the kids.
41. Don’t dine out for 1 month.
Health/Wellness:
43. Lose the 52 pounds.
44. Run a 10K or more.
45. * Work out 30 minutes, 5 times a week, for one month straight. Started 2009.07.20
46. * No soda for 30 days. (2 times) [0/2]
47. * No sugar/carbs for 2 weeks. (2 times) [0/2]
48. Have a yearly physical exam. (2 times) [0/2]
49. * Take my multi-vitamin daily for 4 weeks. Started 2009.07.18
50. Learn how to make a GOOD homemade whole wheat bread.
51. Learn how to make a GOOD homemade pizza.
52. * Try “Whole Foods Only” for 30 days.
School:
53. Start teaching the boys either Latin or Spanish.
54. Make 30 new learning centers or learning books. [0/30]
55. Take 15 field trips. [1/15]
57. Teach Emmersyn how to read.
Homemaking:
58. * Stay on top of laundry for 1 week straight (Laundry washed the same day a full load is available, and folded & put away within 24 hours of being washed. Doesn’t include partial loads.) (4 times) [0/4] Started 2009.05.18
60. * Do 30-day “make ahead” meals for 3 consecutive months.
62. Plant evergreen trees.
63. Try 5 new vegetables. [0/5]
65. * Make bed every day for a month. Started 2009.05.18
67. Plant 10 new bushes/perennials in our yard. [0/10]
68. Shampoo the carpet on the stairs.
69. * Have supper on the table by 5:30 p.m. for 10 consecutive days. (2 times) [0/2]
Intellectual Growth:
70. Read 10 Pulitzer Prize-winning novels. [0/10]
71. Re-read/study the Constitution.
72. Re-read/study the Declaration of Independence.
73. Read newspaper from front to back (excluding sports/comics). (5 times) [0/5]
Misc:
74. Finish each of the kids’ “first-year” scrapbooks. [0/4]
75. Start and finish Chris’s Marine Corps scrapbook.
76. Finish and legalize our wills.
77. Take household inventory for insurance purposes.
78. Sell or give away “the pile” of stuff in the basement.
79. Paint kitchen ceiling.
80. Get our honeymoon photos developed & put into an album.
81. Put the kids’ greeting cards into scrapbooks. [0/4]
Just for Fun:
84. Get my old blog put into “book format”.
85. Get this blog put into “book format” for the year 2008.
86. Dress up with the kids for trick-or-treating.
87. Practice shooting Chris’s pistol. (6 times) [0/6]
88. Go to Red Lobster with Chris.
UPDATED TO ADD THESE GOALS:
91. Start seeing a chiropractor routinely.
92. Write 10 eHow articles. [0/10]
real. part four.
(Read part one here.)
(Read part two here.)
(Read part three here.)
A day or two after I realized I'm a big fat weeny, I realized ("out of the blue") just how negative my inner dialogue is. I noticed I was saying negative things TO myself, ABOUT myself all the time.
Then I started reading the book, The Shack (I'm not necessarily promoting this book. I'm not sure what I think of the book, to be honest.), which got me thinking about my perspective of God. And I realized that I have quite the tainted view of God.
Then, I whined and complained to Chris for awhile. I told him how I hate that I'm a perfectionist. I told him I felt like I was missing a lot of the joy that comes with motherhood. I told him I'd discovered that my perspective of God is completely tainted. I also told him about how I'd discovered my negative self-talk (inner dialogue), and how that probably explains my all-around negativity.
He was a good listener, and didn't act at all scared of crazy old me.
Yes, he is very brave.
Anyway, that same night, God used some women's blogs to speak to my heart, and to make me feel less alone.
First, I read this post by Kingdom Mama, and this part hit a nerve:
Then, after reading a comment from HipMama, I peeked at her blog and found this post, and this part specifically stood out to me:
I felt like God was telling me two things:
1. "You are NOT ALONE. You are NOT CRAZY. You are NOT the only one who struggles with these things."
2. "What have I been telling you? I've been asking you to cut back on your computer time because I, the Lord God Almighty, know that it is robbing you and your children of precious time."
Okay, so I didn't actually hear those words verbatim, but it's fun to imagine God speaking to me like that. Like through a burning bush. Or something. :)
Anyway, then I read another of HipMama's posts, and these words hit home for me:
Um, seriously? Almost the exact words I had just spoken to Chris. Again, God was letting me know that I am not alone. HipMama went on to say:
So I clicked on over to Giving Up On Perfect to check out more information on the book, Me Myself & Lies:A Thought-Closet Makeover.
Then, a few nights ago when I was reading If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat
, Ortberg started focusing in on fear.
Okay God, I'm totally listening.
Ortberg was talking about how if you are bogged down with fear, you will miss out on joy. In fact, he wrote,
And it all makes sense. I've been mulling this over, and it seems to make sense in my life. For instance, how can I possibly be joyful in motherhood when I am so terribly afraid that my children will reject the Cross because of my actions?
So, while I was complaining about the fact that I didn't feel like God was working on my heart, He was causing all these things to come together at just the right times, so that they could all "click" in my heart.
Don't get me wrong. I still have a very long road ahead of me (don't we all?!?), but I feel even more hopeful. For the first time in my life, I am really listening (not just half listening like I've done for years) as God shows me not just my symptoms, but also my disease. And He's not leaving me there. He has a cure. I will not ever be completely symptom-free on this side of heaven, but at least I know that He has given me a way to make the symptoms less painful to me and the ones I love.
So, how's that for being real? Thank you for putting up with my long-windedness. If you've read all the way through Parts 1 through 4, I'm pretty sure you deserve a trophy.
Or a Tylenol.
(Read part two here.)
(Read part three here.)
A day or two after I realized I'm a big fat weeny, I realized ("out of the blue") just how negative my inner dialogue is. I noticed I was saying negative things TO myself, ABOUT myself all the time.
Then I started reading the book, The Shack (I'm not necessarily promoting this book. I'm not sure what I think of the book, to be honest.), which got me thinking about my perspective of God. And I realized that I have quite the tainted view of God.
Then, I whined and complained to Chris for awhile. I told him how I hate that I'm a perfectionist. I told him I felt like I was missing a lot of the joy that comes with motherhood. I told him I'd discovered that my perspective of God is completely tainted. I also told him about how I'd discovered my negative self-talk (inner dialogue), and how that probably explains my all-around negativity.
He was a good listener, and didn't act at all scared of crazy old me.
Yes, he is very brave.
Anyway, that same night, God used some women's blogs to speak to my heart, and to make me feel less alone.
First, I read this post by Kingdom Mama, and this part hit a nerve:
...Satan doesn't come at us saying:
You're stupid.
You're fat.
You're lazy.
You're a failure.
No, he says:
I'm stupid.
I'm fat.
I'm lazy.
I'm a failure.
Then, after reading a comment from HipMama, I peeked at her blog and found this post, and this part specifically stood out to me:
...[S]everal weeks ago, I found myself praying to find the joy in motherhood. I've said before, and maybe you feel this way too, I love my kids, but I don't find "Joy" in the role of MOM. The answer, to my surprise, was "turn off the TV". What? This was not the answer I was looking for. I was looking for some great spiritual revelation about myself, not THAT!
I felt like God was telling me two things:
1. "You are NOT ALONE. You are NOT CRAZY. You are NOT the only one who struggles with these things."
2. "What have I been telling you? I've been asking you to cut back on your computer time because I, the Lord God Almighty, know that it is robbing you and your children of precious time."
Okay, so I didn't actually hear those words verbatim, but it's fun to imagine God speaking to me like that. Like through a burning bush. Or something. :)
Anyway, then I read another of HipMama's posts, and these words hit home for me:
I'm always trying to organize. On the surface, I seem like a pretty laid
back kind of a girl. Dig a little deeper, and you find a never satisfied, perfectionist that beats herself up for not doing a good enough job. ... Really I just set my expectations so high that I can never possibly think of attaining my lofty goals. I then inundate myself with this crazy negative dialogue. What happens is, I get overwhelmed, and then I can't function, and the whole house will go to pot.
Um, seriously? Almost the exact words I had just spoken to Chris. Again, God was letting me know that I am not alone. HipMama went on to say:
Thankfully, I've joined a Bible Study group over at Giving up on Perfect. We're studying a book called Me, Myself, & Lies. ... It's mainly about dealing with our inner thoughts and negative dialogue.
So I clicked on over to Giving Up On Perfect to check out more information on the book, Me Myself & Lies:A Thought-Closet Makeover.
Then, a few nights ago when I was reading If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat
, Ortberg started focusing in on fear.Okay God, I'm totally listening.
Ortberg was talking about how if you are bogged down with fear, you will miss out on joy. In fact, he wrote,
"Joy and fear are fundamentally incompatible."
And it all makes sense. I've been mulling this over, and it seems to make sense in my life. For instance, how can I possibly be joyful in motherhood when I am so terribly afraid that my children will reject the Cross because of my actions?
So, while I was complaining about the fact that I didn't feel like God was working on my heart, He was causing all these things to come together at just the right times, so that they could all "click" in my heart.
Don't get me wrong. I still have a very long road ahead of me (don't we all?!?), but I feel even more hopeful. For the first time in my life, I am really listening (not just half listening like I've done for years) as God shows me not just my symptoms, but also my disease. And He's not leaving me there. He has a cure. I will not ever be completely symptom-free on this side of heaven, but at least I know that He has given me a way to make the symptoms less painful to me and the ones I love.
So, how's that for being real? Thank you for putting up with my long-windedness. If you've read all the way through Parts 1 through 4, I'm pretty sure you deserve a trophy.
Or a Tylenol.
real. part three.
(Read part one here.)
(Read part two here.)
God has been revealing himself to me a lot lately. At first, I didn't realize that He was. I thought that much of what I was experiencing was random coincidences (duh...I should have known better). In fact, a few weeks after I started spending time regularly with God, I complained to Chris that I truly felt like something was wrong with me. I'd been spending all this time praying and reading scripture, but it's like none of it was doing any good. I was enjoying my time with God, but I wasn't seeing fruit, and I was really. really. frustrated.
I've been slowly working my way through the book "If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the boat" by Ortberg. One night, about 10 days ago or so, I learned an interesting statistic. The command to "Fear Not" (in multiple forms) is given 366 times in the Bible. More than any other command. A different "fear not" command for each day of the year, including leap year.
I thought that was very interesting. A fun little bit of trivia. I closed my book, and then I thought to myself, "Huh. I wonder if I have any fears..." And then I fell asleep. I didn't give it any more thought, because I prefer to think of myself as somewhat fearless and tough.
I've given birth to four children without a lick of pain medication, for Pete's sake.
But God wanted to show me the Truth. The very next day, I was in the van with the radio on, and a short inspirational blurb came on in between songs on one of my favorite Christian radio stations. Do you know what the blurb was? It was literally only about 15 seconds long, and the person said something like, "Did you know that the Bible commands us to "fear not" more than any other command? It can be found 366 times in your Bible..."
Wait...what now? God had my attention. I knew at that moment that I am afraid. I didn't know any specifics, but I knew that God intended that message for me, at that moment. And when I prayed about my fears? Oh boy...talk about opening the floodgates. I learned that...
I.
Am.
A.
Big.
Fat.
Weeny.
Okay, so maybe weeny isn't the right word. But I have been carrying a heavy burden of a lot of fears, and it has really opened my eyes. It's helping me to understand why I do some of the things I do.
Good news! I'm not crazy!
I'm just a big fat weeny!
:)
And to be honest, I'm so glad to learn that I'm a big fat weeny. At least now I can work on giving my fears over to God. Before, I was carrying the burden, totally unaware of it.
I'll share more of God's revelations in part four.
(Read part two here.)
God has been revealing himself to me a lot lately. At first, I didn't realize that He was. I thought that much of what I was experiencing was random coincidences (duh...I should have known better). In fact, a few weeks after I started spending time regularly with God, I complained to Chris that I truly felt like something was wrong with me. I'd been spending all this time praying and reading scripture, but it's like none of it was doing any good. I was enjoying my time with God, but I wasn't seeing fruit, and I was really. really. frustrated.
I've been slowly working my way through the book "If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the boat" by Ortberg. One night, about 10 days ago or so, I learned an interesting statistic. The command to "Fear Not" (in multiple forms) is given 366 times in the Bible. More than any other command. A different "fear not" command for each day of the year, including leap year.
I thought that was very interesting. A fun little bit of trivia. I closed my book, and then I thought to myself, "Huh. I wonder if I have any fears..." And then I fell asleep. I didn't give it any more thought, because I prefer to think of myself as somewhat fearless and tough.
I've given birth to four children without a lick of pain medication, for Pete's sake.
But God wanted to show me the Truth. The very next day, I was in the van with the radio on, and a short inspirational blurb came on in between songs on one of my favorite Christian radio stations. Do you know what the blurb was? It was literally only about 15 seconds long, and the person said something like, "Did you know that the Bible commands us to "fear not" more than any other command? It can be found 366 times in your Bible..."
Wait...what now? God had my attention. I knew at that moment that I am afraid. I didn't know any specifics, but I knew that God intended that message for me, at that moment. And when I prayed about my fears? Oh boy...talk about opening the floodgates. I learned that...
I.
Am.
A.
Big.
Fat.
Weeny.
Okay, so maybe weeny isn't the right word. But I have been carrying a heavy burden of a lot of fears, and it has really opened my eyes. It's helping me to understand why I do some of the things I do.
Good news! I'm not crazy!
I'm just a big fat weeny!
:)
And to be honest, I'm so glad to learn that I'm a big fat weeny. At least now I can work on giving my fears over to God. Before, I was carrying the burden, totally unaware of it.
I'll share more of God's revelations in part four.
real. part two.
(Read part one here.)
Do you have skeletons in your closet? I sure do.
Except they're no longer INSIDE the closet. Now they're OUTSIDE my closet, on my public blog. Right here.
Yikes.
I'm not sure why I feel the need to share these. Perhaps it's all about becoming humble; and indeed, sharing some of the most embarassing parts of myself is humbling. Or perhaps God wants me to share this because it will make someone out there feel less alone. Or perhaps it's about getting all of this written out in a more concrete form so that I can see what God is doing, and so that one day I can remember what God has done.
So, without further ado...
Meet....my skeletons:
So there you have it. My skeletons. Let me just say three things now.
First of all, it's important to understand that I'm sharing these skeletons because this is just one of the ways that I'm trying to step out of the boat. I have faith that God is going to use these weaknesses to display His strength, and that God is working on my skeletons even as I type this. I trust that.
Second of all, I'm trusting that you will not hold these against me! I'm just trying to keep it real here...
And third, I wanted to share these areas of sin in my life as a preface to how God has been revealing Himself to me, about which I share in part three.
Do you have skeletons in your closet? I sure do.
Except they're no longer INSIDE the closet. Now they're OUTSIDE my closet, on my public blog. Right here.
Yikes.
I'm not sure why I feel the need to share these. Perhaps it's all about becoming humble; and indeed, sharing some of the most embarassing parts of myself is humbling. Or perhaps God wants me to share this because it will make someone out there feel less alone. Or perhaps it's about getting all of this written out in a more concrete form so that I can see what God is doing, and so that one day I can remember what God has done.
So, without further ado...
Meet....my skeletons:
- I am a perfectionist. This was not new information to me. Perfectionism is poison. Because no matter what, nothing will ever live up to the expectations that I've set. Whether the expectations are for myself, my husband, my house, my kids, etc., it can never be perfect. And when I am not living up to my own lofty expectations, I get sad, depressed, mad, jealous, etc. depending upon the situation.
- I am a pessimist. I tend to look at the glass as half empty, rather than half full. This tends to go hand-in-hand with the perfectionism. I hate being around negative people. And I hate being one of those negative people.
- I am not enjoying motherhood as much as I should be. When all the kids are tucked soundly into their beds, and the house is peaceful, THAT is when I am able to reflect back on the day and see places where there should have been more joy. I enjoy my kids at times, but most of the time, I'm missing much the joy that God intended for me to experience in motherhood.
- I'm a control freak. Much of this is because of who I am inherently. But a lot of it is also because of past hurts. I'm not AS controlling with the kids, but I am very controlling when it comes to my marriage. I have such a strong grip on so many things within our marriage, and it is slowly sucking the life right out of my marriage. I could blame Chris for the trials in our marriage, but the fact is that I'm just as much, if not more, to blame than he is. Trying to control things that I'm not meant to control? It's utterly exhausting, frustrating, pointless, and sinful.
- I am not a godly wife. Not even close. I'm not submissive, I'm disrespectful, and I have stolen his role in our family. I nag. I boss him around. And I do it all under the guise of, "He hurt me, so how else can I act?" Or "If I don't take control of this, then he surely won't." But the fact is, I need to step into MY role as a godly wife, so that there is room for him to step into his role as a godly husband. Two people can't fit into The Pants. I need to take them off so that he can put them on.
- I am angry. I have a lot of anger inside. I know where some of it came from, and I'm still learning where the rest came from. Knowing the source helps deal with it, but either way, God doesn't want me to hang on to anger.
- I can be judgmental. And I think I do it because it makes ME feel better about MYSELF.
- I have very low self-esteem. I don't think much of myself. At all. And I have a hard time understanding what Chris sees in me. Or why my kids would love me. Or why God loves me. I feel like an accumulation of my failures, rather than an accumulation of my triumphs.
- I have a tainted view of God. My brain knows that 1) God loves me so much that He sings over me; 2) God forgives, and that's the end of it. Period. and; 3) God can change me and do amazing things in and through me. BUT, my heart is not there. I tend to feel like God is disappointed in my failures, is never happy with my successes, and isn't really going to change me. I know...it's totally tainted isn't it?
- I yell a lot. I get frustrated with the kids, and I yell. A LOT. And each time I yell, I get angry at myself, which makes me yell more. I'm frustrated with myself, and I take out those frustrations on my children and husband by yelling and even saying sinful things. It sucks for them. And it sucks for me. It just plain sucks.
- I battle depression. I think it's safe to say that I've dealt with mild depression off and on, my whole life. I can't pinpoint a source, but I'm pretty sure it's there. A part of me thinks that it's NOT there, because I'm so used to it and I've hardly known life without it. But then other times, I'm painfully aware of it.
- I have a lot of negative inner dialogue. I say negative things to myself, in my head, ALL. THE. TIME. I'm hard on myself. I also think negative thoughts ALL. THE. TIME. My brain never stops analyzing and over-analyzing, and most of the time my thoughts are not conducive to healing in my spiritual life.
- I'm afraid. This one literally encompasses many of the sins above. And the realization that I'm afraid is completely new to me. God has revealed that to me literally within the last week. And the more I think about it, the more my eyes are opened. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid that if I let down my walls, I'll get hurt. Again. I'm afraid that my children will reject God as a result of my parenting. I'm afraid that Chris will do "this". I'm afraid that Chris will do "that". I'm afraid of what "they'll" think of me. I'm afraid that if I let go of control, the outcome will have a negative impact on my life. I'm afraid that if I'm too positive, Chris will think I've got an easy life, and expect more help from me than I feel able to give. That's a lot of fear.
So there you have it. My skeletons. Let me just say three things now.
First of all, it's important to understand that I'm sharing these skeletons because this is just one of the ways that I'm trying to step out of the boat. I have faith that God is going to use these weaknesses to display His strength, and that God is working on my skeletons even as I type this. I trust that.
Second of all, I'm trusting that you will not hold these against me! I'm just trying to keep it real here...
And third, I wanted to share these areas of sin in my life as a preface to how God has been revealing Himself to me, about which I share in part three.
real. part one.
Authenticity.
It's so important to me. Not only do I prefer to be around people who aren't afraid to be real, but it's important to me that people understand the real me as much as possible. Which is why I decided to post a few blogs on the topic of The Real Me.
Don't get me wrong. My pride would rather you only see my facade. I love the idea of having other people think I've got it all together. But I don't. And, if you're honest, neither do you. I say that, not to make you feel bad, but to make myself feel less alone.
And I hope that by reading all of this, you will also feel less alone.
I've had all these thoughts swarming through my head in the last week or so. It's hard to figure out how to put them onto cyber-paper, because there is SO much that I'm learning about myself.
Let me first start with this.
As a mom and wife, I set the tone for my family. Whether I want that responsibility or not, that is just how it is.
"If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
It's not just a funny little saying. There is so much truth in that. And I've been doing a rotten job at setting the tone with my family.
Which is why, if I'm honest, most days I feel like everything is imploding.
Since giving my life to Christ, I've known that the only hope I have in turning everything around is through regularly spending time at the feet of Jesus. I've had periods in my life where I did great at regularly having time with him, but for the last 18 months (read: since I got pregnant with Aniston), I've resisted. I've come up with every excuse I could think of. Jesus has been waiting for me, and I've stood Jesus up, day, after day, after day.
Until about 6 weeks ago.
I made a commitment to God and to myself that I was going to wake up early every single morning and spend time with Him. I'll be honest...I had NO faith in myself. I am a night owl by nature. I love staying up late and sleeping until the last possible minute.
But I stepped out of the proverbial boat, and God has been helping me to walk on water. Because me? Being a morning person? That truly is a miracle. Almost as miraculous as walking on water.
My time reading the Bible has become my favorite part of the day. I don't dread it, but rather, anticipate it. In previous times in my life when I've spent regular time in the Word, it was always grudgingly. Not anymore. I truly enjoy it. That is another miracle.
On the other side of that, God has been revealing my sins to me. Let me rephrase that: I've already been quite aware of most, if not all, of my sins. But God has been helping me to see my sins under the light of scripture.
The light of scripture is bright, and revealing, let me tell you.
This is a good thing, but it's also been kind of a bad thing because it's a very tough pill to swallow.
I'd like to share with you most of the pills (metaphorically speaking) that I've been attempting to swallow lately (in other words...areas in my life that I need God's help to change). Read about it in part two.
It's so important to me. Not only do I prefer to be around people who aren't afraid to be real, but it's important to me that people understand the real me as much as possible. Which is why I decided to post a few blogs on the topic of The Real Me.
Don't get me wrong. My pride would rather you only see my facade. I love the idea of having other people think I've got it all together. But I don't. And, if you're honest, neither do you. I say that, not to make you feel bad, but to make myself feel less alone.
And I hope that by reading all of this, you will also feel less alone.
I've had all these thoughts swarming through my head in the last week or so. It's hard to figure out how to put them onto cyber-paper, because there is SO much that I'm learning about myself.
Let me first start with this.
As a mom and wife, I set the tone for my family. Whether I want that responsibility or not, that is just how it is.
"If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
It's not just a funny little saying. There is so much truth in that. And I've been doing a rotten job at setting the tone with my family.
Which is why, if I'm honest, most days I feel like everything is imploding.
Since giving my life to Christ, I've known that the only hope I have in turning everything around is through regularly spending time at the feet of Jesus. I've had periods in my life where I did great at regularly having time with him, but for the last 18 months (read: since I got pregnant with Aniston), I've resisted. I've come up with every excuse I could think of. Jesus has been waiting for me, and I've stood Jesus up, day, after day, after day.
Until about 6 weeks ago.
I made a commitment to God and to myself that I was going to wake up early every single morning and spend time with Him. I'll be honest...I had NO faith in myself. I am a night owl by nature. I love staying up late and sleeping until the last possible minute.
But I stepped out of the proverbial boat, and God has been helping me to walk on water. Because me? Being a morning person? That truly is a miracle. Almost as miraculous as walking on water.
My time reading the Bible has become my favorite part of the day. I don't dread it, but rather, anticipate it. In previous times in my life when I've spent regular time in the Word, it was always grudgingly. Not anymore. I truly enjoy it. That is another miracle.
On the other side of that, God has been revealing my sins to me. Let me rephrase that: I've already been quite aware of most, if not all, of my sins. But God has been helping me to see my sins under the light of scripture.
The light of scripture is bright, and revealing, let me tell you.
This is a good thing, but it's also been kind of a bad thing because it's a very tough pill to swallow.
I'd like to share with you most of the pills (metaphorically speaking) that I've been attempting to swallow lately (in other words...areas in my life that I need God's help to change). Read about it in part two.
Matthew 1:19
Matthew 1:18-19 says:
18 This is how Jesus the Messiah was born. His mother, Mary, was engaged to be married to Joseph. But before the marriage took place, while she was still a virgin, she became pregnant through the power of the Holy Spirit. 19 Joseph, her fiancé, was a good man and did not want to disgrace her publicly, so he decided to break the engagement quietly.
Verse 19 is what stood out to me when I read this. First of all, despite the fact the Mary probably tried with all her might to explain to Joseph that she had NOT been unfaithful, and that the baby growing inside her was conceived by the Holy Spirit, Joseph was still human, and probably thought she was crazy, on top of unfaithful.
But rather than get angry and vengeful, he kept his cool. The notes in my study Bible mention that the penalty for unfaithfulness in those days was DEATH BY STONING. So, if Joseph had decided to let his anger show and start telling all his buddies about what had happened, Mary would have been stoned. And back then, the death penalty was carried out swiftly.
If Mary had been stoned, the baby within her - the Messiah - would have died too.
Thus, Joseph's mercy meant that the Messiah was born.
And it worked out well for Joseph after all. An angel visited him and confirmed what Mary had already told him, and Joseph got to take part in the upbringing of the Savior.
All because he chose to have mercy and give the situation over to God.
I need to learn a lesson from Joseph and learn to handle things with mercy and tact. I need to let God handle the situations that are meant for God alone to handle.
18 This is how Jesus the Messiah was born. His mother, Mary, was engaged to be married to Joseph. But before the marriage took place, while she was still a virgin, she became pregnant through the power of the Holy Spirit. 19 Joseph, her fiancé, was a good man and did not want to disgrace her publicly, so he decided to break the engagement quietly.
Verse 19 is what stood out to me when I read this. First of all, despite the fact the Mary probably tried with all her might to explain to Joseph that she had NOT been unfaithful, and that the baby growing inside her was conceived by the Holy Spirit, Joseph was still human, and probably thought she was crazy, on top of unfaithful.
But rather than get angry and vengeful, he kept his cool. The notes in my study Bible mention that the penalty for unfaithfulness in those days was DEATH BY STONING. So, if Joseph had decided to let his anger show and start telling all his buddies about what had happened, Mary would have been stoned. And back then, the death penalty was carried out swiftly.
If Mary had been stoned, the baby within her - the Messiah - would have died too.
Thus, Joseph's mercy meant that the Messiah was born.
And it worked out well for Joseph after all. An angel visited him and confirmed what Mary had already told him, and Joseph got to take part in the upbringing of the Savior.
All because he chose to have mercy and give the situation over to God.
I need to learn a lesson from Joseph and learn to handle things with mercy and tact. I need to let God handle the situations that are meant for God alone to handle.
Jeremiah 7:27
In this chapter, God was telling Jeremiah yet another message that that He wanted Jeremiah to bring to Judah, warning them to turn from their sins or pay the consequences. Then God told Jeremiah this:
27 "When you tell them all this, they will not listen to you; when you call to them, they will not answer.
I have a hard time sharing the Gospel with people, even knowing that there's a good chance they'll be receptive. Imagine how Jeremiah felt! Knowing that he had to go give this completely unwelcomed message to ungodly people, and knowing beforehand that they wouldn't listen to it or receive it?
Yet he still obeyed.
How many times have I known full well that God wanted to be do something specific, but I didn't because I felt like it wouldn't bring about the change in "the other person"? As if I'm so much smarter than God?
Right now, in my life, there are several places where I need to start being more obedient. And if I'm honest, I don't want to because I'm scared to death that putting myself out there in obedience will not bring about the results that I would like to see.
But perhaps that's the whole point. Perhaps what's best for me right now is to step out in faith and watch as God transforms me in the midst of the situation, rather than transforming the situation itself.
27 "When you tell them all this, they will not listen to you; when you call to them, they will not answer.
I have a hard time sharing the Gospel with people, even knowing that there's a good chance they'll be receptive. Imagine how Jeremiah felt! Knowing that he had to go give this completely unwelcomed message to ungodly people, and knowing beforehand that they wouldn't listen to it or receive it?
Yet he still obeyed.
How many times have I known full well that God wanted to be do something specific, but I didn't because I felt like it wouldn't bring about the change in "the other person"? As if I'm so much smarter than God?
Right now, in my life, there are several places where I need to start being more obedient. And if I'm honest, I don't want to because I'm scared to death that putting myself out there in obedience will not bring about the results that I would like to see.
But perhaps that's the whole point. Perhaps what's best for me right now is to step out in faith and watch as God transforms me in the midst of the situation, rather than transforming the situation itself.
Two blogs isn't enough?
As if I'm not busy as it is, right? I've been going back and forth about whether or not I want to start another blog. But I've finally decided to give it a shot. Here are the two purposes for this blog:
A place to MUSE:
In my morning God time, God keeps revealing things to me. They're little things, but even the little things are significant because it's a constant reminder that God's word truly is alive. It is my instruction manual for life, and when I stop referring to it regularly, life breaks down.
So that's one of the biggest reasons I started this blog. Every time something in the Word speaks to my heart, I write the scripture down on my piece of paper. But then, the piece of paper gets lost, or it gets eaten by a child, or I throw it away because "like I'm really going to look all those passages up and try to figure out WHY it was significant to me WAY BACK THEN?"
As a result, a lot of God's messages to my heart have been forgotten. I don't want to forget a lot of them. This journey through life is tough. I don't have any devastating problems in my life, but this side of heaven is still tough. I want to be sanctified. I need to be sanctified. God has a purpose for my life, and I can't fulfill that purpose if I'm not willing to let God sanctify me. I'm hoping that recording some of my musings on this blog will help me in my sanctification process.
A place to BABBLE:
About nothing. About everything. In fun. In seriousness.
This blog is also a place for me to babble about some of the non-child-related things from my life. I want to print my other blog on a regular basis, but I don't want it to be garbled with my random rants. Those random rants will happen HERE from now on!
In fact, I've already moved some of the posts from my other blog, over to this blog.
A place for everything, and everything in it's place.Just the way I like it. :)
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